Salutations! I'm Sacajawea. I'll be your translator today.

      The language that Christians use can be hard to decode.  This is the case whether you are a Christian who has been speaking the dialect for years, a convert to the faith, or a non-believer.  The truth is, Christians are some of the most cryptic, politically correct people you will ever meet.  They’re worse than lawyers!  Sometimes, talking to a Christian can feel like listening to someone read the list of ingredients on a package of fruit snacks, or the fine print on a property lease.

Here are some helpful, easy to understand translation guides for common Spiritual Jargon to get you through your next conversation.

Chapter 1: “The Lord’s Will” 

Christian: I’m just seeking counsel and praying through things and taking some time to discern God’s will for my future.

TRANSLATION: I’m covering my bases so that I can do what I want without having to deal with what anyone might have to say about it.  If I pitch my plans this way, then I don’t have to admit that I actually have any plans at all, which means that no one will be able to argue with me later.  

Christian: I’m just seeking God’s will in this.

TRANSLATION: I’m waiting for you to get used to the idea of me changing something in my own life before I change it.

Christian: Just pray that the Lord’s will becomes clear.

TRANSLATION:  Just think about it for a couple days until the next time we fight about it.

Christian: (in prayer) “Lord, I just pray that you will reveal your will to_______ and help him/her have peace about this.”

TRANSLATION: Lord, I just wish you would make _______ realize that I’m right.

Christian: I don’t think that it’s God’s will for us to date anymore.  I don’t feel called to be in this relationship.

TRANSLATION:  I’m spiritualizing our break up because I’m not capable of owning my feelings and honestly communicating with you.

Chapter 2: “feeling called”

Christian: I feel called to missions.

TRANSLATION: I want to travel.

Christian: Well, I don’t doubt you’re convinction about that, but I don’t really feel called to the same things.

TRANSLATION: I‘m not interested in what you’re saying and it’s annoying that you keep trying to get me to do the same things you’re doing.

Christian:  Do you feel called to serve in children’s ministry?  Come fill out an application after the service.

TRANSLATION:  Our Sunday School teachers are really overwhelmed and we need some help.  Also, we obviously can’t pay you.

Christian:  I don’t feel called to leadership.

TRANSLATION: I’m an introvert.

Chapter 3: “Spiritual Gifts”

Christian: “So, what are your spiritual gifts?”

TRANSLATION: What’s your personality like?

Christian: “I mean, I think it’s great that _______ is involved in that ministry, but I just don’t really have that gift.”

TRANSLATION:  I already have enough on my plate and that doesn’t sound enjoyable anyway.  

Christian: “Come to our Giftings Class this Saturday, where we teach you how to discover your Spiritual Gifts.”

TRANSLATION: We’re having a volunteer drive.

Chapter 4: “Pray about it.”*

*Note: This phrase is very versatile, carrying many different meanings.  It’s not always used as jargon, but when it is, you’ll know.  Trust me.

Christian 1: “Hey, what do you think about me moving back to Virginia to be with my folks?  [long pause]

Christian 2: ”That’s a pretty big decision.  Have you prayed about it?”

TRANSLATION:

Christian 1:  Hey, I need you to support me during this difficult season of my life, so I’m trying to gently introduce the subject.

Christian 2: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don’t abandon me! I can’t handle this conversation right now.

Christian 1: I would really like to make a decision about this sooner rather than later so that we can start moving forward.  I’m really excited about what God’s doing in our ministry.

Christian 2: Let’s take a few days to pray about it and talk again.

TRANSLATION: 

Christian 1: You keep stalling and I’m frustrated.

Christian 2: I’ve already made up my mind, but I need to call in a few favors before I tell you what I’m actually doing so that I don’t get cornered without a Plan B.

Christian 1: “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you wanted to be a part of the leadership team for Saturday’s event.  We need some help getting people together and I think you would really be a great addition to our team.”

Christian 2:  “Oh yeah I forgot about that.  What’s the date this Saturday?  Yeah I don’t know, maybe.”

Christian 1: “O.K. well, just pray about it and let me know.  We’d really like you to be a part of it.”

TRANSLATION:

Christian 1: Hey!  I’ve left you three messages about this Saturday and you haven’t called me back.  Please help me with this Saturday thing, I’m the only one doing any of the work for organizing it!

Christian 2: I’m avoiding you because I know that you don’t take no for an answer.

Christian 1: I’m going to ask you again in two days.  

I hope this guide has been illuminating for you.  One final note on the translating of Spiritual jargon in the cultural context of Christian communities:

The phrases used in Spiritual Jargon, Christian slang and figures of speech do have actual meaning.  It is rare, but there are times when the actual meaning of the words is the intended meaning of the phrase.  Detecting an instance such as this takes time and practice, so don’t worry if you can’t tell the difference at first.  It takes time and practice to learn the many nuances of any foreign culture or language.

Groveling is Delicious!

But what is humble pie really?  What would be the contents of a humble pie?  Where does the phrase come from?

Well, www.phrases.org.uk explains the origins of the “humble pie” in this delightful way:

“In the 14th century, the numbles (or noumbles, nomblys, noubles) was the name given to the heart, liver, entrails etc. of animals, especially of deer – what we now call offal or lights. By the 15th century this had migrated to umbles, although the words co-existed for some time. There are many references to both words in Old English and Middle English texts from 1330 onward. Umbles were used as an ingredient in pies, although the first record of ‘umble pie’ in print is as late as the 17th century.”

So realistically, the ingredients of a humble pie might look something more like this:

I bet you're sorry now!

I’m talking about humble pie because I think it sums up a popular take on repentance.  Lots of Christians think repentance is like eating humble pie, but apologies are tricky business.  Very rarely is an apology actually repentant.  What may look like sincere remorse and an appeal to grace might actually be a twisted expression of irritated shame.  It is not often that Mr. ‘Paulo Giles Grovel is who he says he is.  Mr. ‘Paulo Giles is a master of disguise.  (if that’s his REAL name!)

From left to right: Mr. Paulo Giles, Jesus

For example:

Mr. ‘Paulo Giles:  “Hey, listen.  I just wanted to apologize about the other day.  I didn’t mean for you to take it that way when you got your feelings hurt when I said that you were really overbearing and ugly in front of everyone.  I’m sorry that you’re mad at me, but I just said it because I thought we were joking and I think it was just a misunderstanding.”

Offended Party:  “Oh.  Well, that’s alright.  I know.  I was just overreacting.  You’re right.  We were just joking and I shouldn’t have been offended anyway.  I think I just blew it out of proportion.  I’m sorry.  I forgive you.  Let’s just forget about it.”

Seems like a pretty standard interaction right? WRAUNG!

TRANSLATION:

Condescending Manipulator: “I’m really annoyed that you’re acting like a little cry baby just because of one comment I made. I’m pretending I didn’t half-intend to hurt you.  Your feelings aren’t vaild.  You need to just get over it because the last thing I need is someone like you whining about how you felt disrespected or something.  Geez, you are such a sensitive little child!  Apologize right now for embarrassing me with your “hurt feelings!”

Doormat: “I’m sorry.  This is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have had any feelings at all.  Can I interest you in me doing your laundry for a month?”

Condescending Manipulator: “Well, I forgive you, sinner, and I accept your reparations.  That’s what Jesus would do.  Let’s just put all of this behind us now so that you can keep feeding my sense of moral and spiritual superiority.  That will be all.  Dismissed.”

*                  *               *                  *

Thanks to Mr. ‘Paulo Giles, repentance really gets a bad wrap these days. Because Manipulators like Mr. ‘Paulo Giles  just run amok, convincing the offended that they are the perpetrators and twisting apologies into accusations, we’ve somehow failed to learn what a real apology looks and feels like.  We think that repentance is like eating humble pie, groveling to Jesus as we are shoving our faces into a steaming pile of baked guts to show our remorse.

My Lord! My Lord! I'm so sorry! Here, I will eat this pie I baked full of intestines for you!

Ok so if repentance isn’t eating humble pie, or protecting ourselves from actually having to say we’re sorry, then what is it like to legitimately apologize to God?

Well, first of all let’s throw out Mr. Paulo Giles and ask a different Paul who won’t rob us of our dignity…Saint Paul.

“ ¹ You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. ² Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. ³ So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? ⁴ Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?”

Romans 2:1-4

This seems to sing a different tune.  The Eating Humble Pie Model of repentance tells us that what drives us to repentance is the shameful, guilty feeling we have for our actions.  Personally, I’m not sure I could think of a more unreliable guide in my spiritual life.  My feelings are not the things I want to have to trust when it comes to how I present myself before God.  Sure, I present my legitimate feelings, but I don’t want to have to rely on them to tell me what to do when because if I did that I’d be miserable.

THE POINT:  If I trust my sense of remorse to drive me to repentance, then it will, and repentance will be the only place I ever go!  Eventually, I’ll just stop going to God at all, because I will be so resentful toward him due to the fact that it will feel like ( for good reason) every time God and I interact I’m always driven into a corner to apologize, instead of being led to his kindness to be won over by His patience in my renewed desire for His goodness.  

In Paul’s model of repentance, nothing drives the heart to repentance.  In Paul’s model, it is the kindness of God that leads the heart to repentance, because when you see how kind God is, it makes you want to trust him and show him what’s really happening in your heart.  Then you just end up going to him with whatever you’re feeling, and then, before you know it, you’re free from your feelings and reconciled to God.

Asking for an apology from an unapologetic person breeds resentment.  Apologizing because you feel obligated to breeds resentment.  Instead of fostering reconciliation, when we treat apologies this way, repentance becomes something that drives the wedge deeper and only sows more and more indignation, therefore increasing the pain for all parties involved.  How do we stop the cycle?

Here’s what Jesus says:

Matthew 21:28-32 
²⁸“But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, ‘Son, go, work today in my vineyard.’ ²⁹He answered and said, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he regretted it and went.  ³⁰Then he came to the second and said likewise. And he answered and said, ‘I go, sir,’ but he did not go.  ³¹Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said to Him, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Assuredly, I say to you that tax collectors and harlots enter the kingdom of God before you. ³²  For John came to you in the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him; but tax collectors and harlots believed him; and when you saw it, you did not afterward relent and believe him.”

I love the words Jesus choses here.  He characterizes repentance as involving regret and relenting.  When John the Baptist preached repentance, he described it as an act of preparation that would be a fruitful thing in the lives of those who embraced it.

So let’s not try to make our repentance more genuine, stirring up in ourselves a remorse that will inspire a more fervent groveling before God.  This does not make God feel warm and fuzzy and appreciative.  I mean, doesn’t it irritate you when someone like Mr. Paulo Giles apologizes to you just because he feels bad for getting caught in his insensitivity instead of having sincere regret that he hurt your feelings because he has an overwhelming affection for you that causes his stubborn pride to relent and leads him to be reconciled to you?

If someone were trying to apologize to me, I would want the regret and relenting before I would want someone to eat a pie full of entrails at my feet to show me just how sorry they are.  Gross.  That doesn’t make me feel loved.  It makes me feel sick.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's groveling!

Go eat your humble pie somewhere else, Mr. Paulo Giles.  You’re getting blood on my rug. (yet another thing you’ll have to regret later when you finally come to your senses and realize that I love you.)

What is really wrong with sinning?  I mean, we can say that something is wrong because it is sinful, or that it is sinful because it is wrong, but does the word sin actually have any significant meaning apart from the action it describes?

Sin.  What is it?

Not to worry!  I know the answer to this question.

Sin is missing the mark and falling short of the glory of God.  (See Romans, such’n'such, Leviticus this’n'that, etc.)  Sin is doing whatever God says you can’t do.  If God says something is a sin, then it’s a sin because He says it’s a sin, which is why it’s a sin, therefore making it wrong.  Being wrong is bad.  If that’s not convincing enough for you, then that means you are rejecting God’s commandments and THAT’S a sin right there!  Don’t you know that we’re supposed to be faithful and that being faithful means doing everything God tells you and nothing that He doesn’t tell you to do, even if it makes ZERO sense and especially if you don’t want to!!??  And, just in case you’re still having trouble sorting out what God is commanding you to do after scouring the Bible for rules you can follow, just ask yourself this question and if the answer is yes, then you know it’s a sin:

Now listen closely because this is why I invited you on this coffee date.

Ready for the wisdom?

OK here’s the question:

Do you want to do it?

Yes?

Alright then it’s a sin.

And now that you have that hugely complex moral dilemma resolved, you can triumphantly move on to more specific and important issues like these:

1.  How can I stop sinning and being such a terrible person?

2. How can I dissect Paul’s epistles so that I can draw up a step by step instruction plan for how to get a handle on my Judgement-of-God-Inducing-Flesh?

3. How can I get other Christians off my back about “convicting me in the Holy Spirit?”

We should get together sometime so that I can casually guilt you about the things that you are the most sensitive about.

4. Just how much obvious sin can I get away with before I have an on-your-knees-repentance-in-dust-and-ashes-session?

These questions spring up out of a mental model of sin that looks something like this:

It’s not really all that important that I know what sin is.  What’s really important is that I know how to manage it.  In managing my sin, I am obtaining actual proof of my freedom from said sin, as well as ultimate peace, security and eligibility before God and others to receive blessing and approval.

If this sounds familiar so far then… Read on, sinner!

What’s wrong with sinning?  No really.  I know it’s wrong, but WHY!?

This is a legitimate question with a satisfying answer.

It is not a sin to ask this question.

There is something to be understood about the nature of sin that offers options to the contrite heart other than simple self-control and redoubled efforts at resolved accountability.  Yes, there is more to sin than just behavior, and there is more to immorality than just morals.

If we are going to live in freedom, then we must take our investigation of the nature of sin more seriously than our management of sin.

God is not going to award you the "Sin Manager of the Year" prize. He's going to fire you.

After all, we’re not actually managing well anyway.  Trying to crucify the flesh and developing air-tight strategy after air-tight strategy is frankly just not going well.  Questions begin to surface:  Am I a lost cause?  Does this mean that I don’t actually know God?  I must be a special case.  This must be what it’s like to be one of those people in the category Jesus calls a “brood of vipers.”  Poor Pharisees-and-teachers-of-the-law.  There’s nothing we can do.  Am I just another hardened heart?

Now you finally know the truth about yourself. You're a failure.

So, are you hopeless?

If you are asking these questions at all, then you can be sure that the answer is no.  The only people for whom it would be true wouldn’t be asking.

If you are anxious about being hopeless, then you’re not hopeless.  You’re just anxious.

From where I stand, I can say that I have left no stone unturned, no siege against myself unexecuted.  When it comes to eradicating my most stubborn sins, no one has drawn more diagrams or unearthed more secrets than myself.

Quite so!

If there were some control to be gained over myself, some strategic plan to be drawn up in triumph over my failings, then I would have been victorious long, long ago.

The only conclusion left is this:

You can’t catch the wind in a net.  Even if you were to capture the wind, it would cease to be the wind and it would become simply air.  Not only that, but you would need something other than a net.  But you don’t.  You just have a net.  When it comes to sin, our minds are merely nets.  And like the wind, sin is so decentralized, that there can be no method for regulating it.  One can mentally chase the origins of sin indefinitely and still only find layer after layer of human motivation with no origin.

ha HA!! GOTCHA!

If sin were an enemy that we could face, then we would have faced it.  But sin is not the enemy we face because it was the enemy that God faced for us.  There is no life in tracking an enemy that cannot be fought.

Ok, so if we cannot fight our sin because it’s not the enemy, then what is it that is doing the damage in our souls?

We have been taught over and over again that sin separates us from God, that sin gives birth to death, that sin makes God furious.  We know that sin condemns us before God, and yet we have no way out of it in this life!  Sure, God has set us free from the eternal implications of our sinfulness, but we still have to live this life.  We still live lives that are full of sin, lives that we spend wondering why it matters that we are forgiven for something we couldn’t have avoided doing anyway, and something that we can’t escape being tortured by in the meantime.

How do we get out of this?  If it isn’t sin, then what is this lingering feeling that condemns us in our own hearts?

SHAME

Here are some notable definitions of the word shame:

noun

1.  the painful emotional response arising from the consciousness of some degrading, dishonorable or ridiculous action performed by oneself or another
3.  the absorption of blame or the assumption of burdensome guilt
4. a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret

verb (to shame someone or something)
5. to cause to feel shame
6. to drive, or force through the response of shame;  As an act of revenge, he shamed his former lover by publicly describing their sexual encounters in great detail.
7. to cover with reproach or contempt; to drive away with rejection or disgrace; to repel by forced exposure

If you consider these definitions carefully, you’ll see that shame can be an act of revenge.  It seems so unconventional, but consider the possibility:

Confessing one’s own immoral behavior in such a way as to expose the self under the guise of repentance is actually an act of revenge on the self and yet another sin management strategy.

Shame, whether or not it is in response to wrong behavior, is essentially the protecting of oneself from some form of exposure.

Shame is neutral.  Shame is not a symptom of sin.  It is an automatic response to being exposed. Exposure, be it real or imaginary, incriminating or justifying, has the power to awaken shame.  On the same token, a felt shame response has the power to motivate one to expose oneself, thus leading again to a felt shame response, leading to more revenge, perpetuating the cycle of sin and shame until the soul is numb, hopeless and cold, full and overflowing with rage and yet at the same time, profoundly hollow.

No man is an island; but each one IS a trench-digger.

And it is in THIS final state, that we stand before God, untouchable and inaccesible to him, having made our ears deaf to His voice, cold to His touch, and callous to our own suffering as we exact revenge on ourselves for our sins, demanding full payment for a debt that has long since been expunged, pouring out our own blood for our sin as we stretch ourselves across an ever growing chasm between the divine and the suffering soul.  A chasm that, with every critical taunt of accusation that comes from our own lips, grows wider and wider as we finally see that the chasm was never a gulf between God and man, but a deep trench within the soul itself, etched deeper into the core of a person with each act of self-loathing.  Perhaps God did not come to this earth to fill some void between Himself and His creation, but to fill a void that has grown within His creation in His absence.  Perhaps it is God who, with His own blood, stands in the gap and pours out His own blood to make us whole again.

So, what is sin?  

Sin… is not the point.

It's Halloween! Somebody light the menorah!

Get ready to be disturbed by that “who buys the best candy on the block” competition, followed by the traditional disgust that comes with the neighborhood-snicker-bar-binge.

And don’t forget the troubling, sarcastic thoughts you’ll have when someone you know puts on an outfit made of raw meat, announcing that they are Lady Gaga.

As you can see, Halloween means all kinds of wonderful things will be happening to  you.  For example, now that Halloween is here, you can rest assured that you will have a giant bucket of candy in your pantry.

You will have to dole it out sparingly to each of your children in small amounts for the next calendar year as you precariously walk the thin line between festivities and diabetes.

I’m as excited as you are.

I just love Halloween.  Halloween is that special time of year when we all dress up as each other and walk the streets after sunset, trading candy with each other’s children. What a richly meaningful, beautiful tradition.

Of all the ancient rituals associated with the celebration of Haulozeen, my favorite by far is the telling of Ghost Stories.  I just love sitting around in the dark, staring straight into a flashlight with my friends.  We tell one another wildly exaggerated stories about all those encounters we’ve never had with ghosts.

Well, this year, when you’re busy conjuring up the powers of darkness with your best buds, freaking each other out, pushing the ouija thing around on your Ouija board, trying to spell out each other’s names, just remember to tell this Ghost Story instead.

The Tale of the Haunted Bread

     This peculiar wanderer had a magnetism about him that was hard to place.  Known for his ability to draw people away to follow him in his wanderings, he did this with just one look into your eyes.  This man was frighteningly other-worldly.      It was his eyes.  He had the sort of eyes that saw deep into the soul of a person, and he terrified many people who met his inescapable gaze.  When those eyes landed on you, they held you fast, pinned like a bug under a microscope.

     There was no escape from this man’s terrifying knowledge of your very being.  The spirit in this man was a gripping force that just reached out of him and held you fast like an iron hand, briefly coming upon you in an instant before setting you free again.

     But with those eyes settled upon you, though you are caught only for a moment, that moment is an eternity.

    He was something more than human, something more than wandering feet, searching eyes, skin, bones and words. He wandered with the people that were drawn into his trance.  They followed him everywhere, changed by his gaze.  They wandered for years, until finally they came to the city. There was a Festival going on.

     The wandering man called them all to a dinner party during the festival in the city and he gave them bread to eat and a very somber speech.  When he stood before them at the table, holding the bread, he spoke to them in riddles and puzzles. He called himself “The Bread.”

     He said that his actual flesh and blood was their food, and he told them to eat his body, giving each of them bread and wine and telling them to eat and drink.  He told them to remember him whenever they ate bread and drank wine.  He said that the bread was his body, and that the wine was his blood, and he told them to eat.  And they ate.

     He was a mysterious man, sullen and brooding on that night, after telling the riddle about the bread.  And so he only became more mysterious when only hours later, he was suddenly arrested.

     The next day he was brutally, and publicly murdered as the people who had followed him stood there and watched.

     Those who had fallen under his terrifying spell, and those who had been seen by him and caught under his mystifying gaze, awakened suddenly from their trance. They saw this wandering bread-man tortured and trapped and lifeless and they came undone. Their past lives before the bread-man seemed to them like only a distant dream, and they scattered, hiding for fear that they would meet the same fate as the bread-man had.

     Those lost people, frightened, went into hiding together, unsure of what to do next. And then, one night as they were huddled together, locked away from the world in a secret place, there was a knock at the door. The room fell silent.

     And as one of them went and held his eye close to a crack in the door, he began to tremble at the penetrating gaze that met him there.

     It was the bread-man.

     He was alive. The bread-man was not overcome by death. He could not be held lifeless because he was the one who did the holding and the letting go. He could not be held by anything.

     While he was alive, he wandered on the earth, full of a strange power.  The power in the bread-man had not died just because his body had been broken and wasted like bread.  This man was living bread now.

     During his life, this living bread-man could bring even the most willful spirit of a person to humility, and so in death the spirit could not be separated from the body of the bread-man.  He remained unbroken and had come back, whole and alive.

     The bread-man could not stay on the earth.  He had to leave them again.  But this time, the bread man was not arrested or killed, nor did he wander on foot, walking toward some other place.

     This time, he simply started to float just above the ground.  He floated higher and higher, as if he were swimming in the air, being drawn up to some surface far above the clouds.  As he rose, he was still speaking to the people.

     He said, “I am your bread and your food.  Remember me.  I must go, but I will send my spirit to you.  Wait for it.  I am leaving, but you will not be without me.” And so they waited.

     They hid, locking themselves away in a secret room again, for fear that they had again become defenseless without the power of the bread-man…

     And then, in the dark of a thickening night, he came.

     The spirit of the bread-man descended from the ether and settled upon the room where the people were hiding.

     The walls began to tremble and the sound of a train approaching grew from outside the walls.  The sound of the train fractured into a swelling din around them and there was a gust of wind so strong and terrible that it seemed to rush straight down from the ceiling and straight through the walls, passing through each of their bodies.

     The wind and the sound seemed to cut to their very cores as if they had become thin and transparent, caught yet again under the penetrating watch of the bread-man.

     And fire came and settled over each of them, filling them up with a terrifying power.  A small flame had come to rest over each of them and they stared at one another, terrified.  Wide-eyed, watching the fire burning over one another’s heads, they were speechless. There was silence for an instant.

     And then they all began speaking suddenly with the voice of the bread-man, and the sound of his voice filled the room like the noise of a gigantic crowd.  The fear was gone and the people left the room and went out into the city and began speaking with the voice of the bread-man in every language.

He spreads his limitless and all-powerful spirit through bread and fire and water.  He wanders among us and he will continue to wander until the whole world is consumed by his fiery power.

And at the end of time, when all else has wasted away like bread, and the life of each man wanes like the moon, The Bread Man will again look on all people and truly see them.  Those on whom He sees the flame of His Holy Ghost resting will respond, speaking to Him with the sound of His own voice.  Having been made pure by the fire of His Holy Ghost, they will know Him just as they are known by Him.  They will touch fire with fire and not be consumed.

Meeting his eyes, they will not turn away.  Each one, looking into His eyes without terror and without trembling, will stand alone before Him, with a gaze so penetrating that both together are filled with fire, and yet they do not burn. He will be their living bread, and they will eat of him again, and they will remember the bread-man and how he wandered among them.

They will remember how his Holy Ghost came and rested on them and made a home for himself and they will find rest for their souls.  Feeding on him in their hearts, they will never die, because they have been made alive by his power.

Happy Halloween...IT'S JESUS!!!

Trust me. I'm practically a Doctor.

Are you tired of God promising to bless you and keep you and lead you through the uncertainties of life?  Have you had enough of Jesus and all of his mercy, grace and love toward you?  Is forgiveness getting old?  Are you getting frustrated trying to find more scriptures that tell you that God is just a spiteful little trickster?  Well, look no further!  I’ve got everything you need to get you feeling miserable in no time.

Believe you me, I know how frustrating it is to constantly be loved and treated like you matter, that’s why I’ve developed this comprehensive pamphlet for you to take home with you today.  Here, you’ll find a brief, easy-to-follow outline with specific, practical advice on how to be completely inconsolably miserable.

Let’s talk about God.  Maybe you’ve heard that God is good.  Well, I’m here to tell you that he’s not.  Trust me, I’m practically a doctor.  I know these things.  If I didn’t know what I was talking about, would I be wearing this white coat and carrying this gigantic, shiny clipboard?

That’s what I thought.

I’m here to help you understand the primrose path that God is leading you down.  After all, you already know that God’s “goodness” is very suspicious.  When the things you dream about and hope for come knocking on your door, you can’t let them in without a full body search.  Sure, that unbelievable opportunity to enjoy life might look like a gift from God, but BEWARE.  He’s not giving you something good just because.  He’s giving you something good to test you.  It’s a trap.  After all, God is in the business of evaluating people, not giving handouts, right?  Right.  There are graphs and statistics to prove this.

Sure, it looks like a cherry, but does God think He can fool you that easy? You know what's REALLY going on.

And you know, God isn’t the owner of some cosmic soup kitchen, giving free rides to whatever grubby little Oliver Twist who walks through the door and asks him for help.  Oh no.   There’s got to be a catch.  Somewhere in there, there’s a trap set up that you’ve got to anticipate so that God doesn’t embarrass you again by throwing your weaknesses in your face.  Because He does that.  There are graphs and charts to prove this.

Somewhere underneath the satisfaction you’ll feel when you are given that gift from God, there is surely some small way that you are unknowingly screwing it all up.  And then, after he waits for you to relax a little and settle into your sudden run of good fortune, that’s when the jig is UP!  He’ll throw the cover off of your rottenness and show everyone how disgusting you are.  Because you’re really just disgusting, after all.  See more charts and graphs, etc…

That’s why you’ve got to take things into your own hands, pinpoint your failures and unfold the story of your ruin of a life before it unfolds you.  And I’m here to give you the tools you need to do just that.

Here’s how you do it:

The Do-it-Yourself  Guide to Being Miserable

by:  The Very Right Reverend Dr. Lindsey Kayleen, Esq. M.D, R.N, L.C.S.W, Mdiv, L.O.T.R, B.S.G.

Step 1.  Come up with a tragic literary theme that you can use to interpret your past.

For example:  All those times that people in your life were saying really loving and sensitive words to you when you confided in them…they didn’t really care.  They just couldn’t think of anything else to say.  In fact, this is what happens every time you talk to anyone.  Every word that comes out of your mouth is scandalous and shameful and shows you to be a fool or a selfish waif.  No one has ever really loved you, they’ve just been overwhelmed and making things up.  You are a tortured genius, like Sylvia Plath, Vincent Van Gogh, or Kurt Cobain.

I'm trapped in a glass case of emotion.

Consider cutting off an ear for dramatic affect. If that's too hardcore for you, maybe get something pierced.

You may need to invest in some texturizing hair products. But don't worry, I can write you a prescription.

Alright moving right along.

Now, remember each hopeful time something has seemed promising in the past.  Got it?  Ok.  Now think of some evidence surrounding that event that interprets the situation as just another hollywood episode in the Psychological Thriller movie about your life.  Rewrite your own history so that the plot seems to have all the hallmarks of a good mind-bender.  Plot twists, swelling orchestral soundtracks, foreshadowing, irony.  Leave no event unaltered.

Now, try to remember every hopeful time something has seemed promising in the past when that thing actually ended up being wonderful and satisfying.  Got it?  Now forget all of those times and don’t think about them anymore.

Step 2.  Apply this theme to your present situation.

Just ask yourself, what would Kurt Cobain do in the Hollywood rendition of his life if he were in my situation?  Then start repelling people with your flannel shirts, neglect of personal hygiene and rude demeanor.  Act tortured and troubled and dramatic all the time.  Be stubborn.  Become withdrawn and put forth the image of a resigned loner, ready to accept the tragic climactic ending in the next scene.  Don’t make eye contact with people.  Stare off vacuously over the shoulder of whoever is talking to you, asking you what’s wrong and why you’re wearing all that eyeliner and say…..whatever.  i don’t know.  it doesn’t even matter anyway.  Then sigh and exit the room, slowly and dejectedly.

Interpret all situations through this lens, no matter the context.

Aesthetic is key.

Step 3.  Compile evidence.  No detail is too small here.

Did someone not return your phone call?  You’re repulsive, pathetic and a wet blanket.

Is your friend busy on the night you usually hang out?  They’re fed up with you and don’t care about you anymore.  You’re negative vibe is infecting them and they’re sick of your whining.

Did you turn in a paper late?  Not only are you a sub-par student, but your reputation has been irreparably damaged.  The professor has lost respect for you and now you’ll have to spend the rest of the semester proving yourself with no results.

Are you out of milk?  You’re irresponsible and unable to follow through on even the smallest responsibilities.  You should just check yourself in to a mental hospital.  Face it.  You’re a tortured soul with a twisted little brain who will just never recover.  I mean, look at the milk jug.  It’s empty. Just like you.  There is no other interpretation of this situation.

Step 4.  Indict yourself by prophesying this tragedy into the future.  

Predict that the tragic pattern of your life, like a literary theme, will continue to unfold over and over again into your future until you finally die alone.   Do this on a regular basis, always searching for evidence in the present that this is in fact your hopeless future.

Step 5.  Defend your tragic future.

Ignore all encouragement, tenderness, and compassion from people around you who are by now wondering what has gotten into you. Stay strong!  Stick to your seamless plot of tragedy with all the dramatic display you can muster.  And whatever you do, don’t disclose out loud to anyone the tragic story line you are discovering.  They will only laugh at you.

And this is NOT funny.  It’s very serious.  Tortured geniuses don’t have a sense of humor.

So there you go.  If you can strive onward in the quest to escape God’s mercy and goodness and blessing and love for you, then…

 Congratulations!  You’re Miserable!

Being Miserable: The Fashionable Choice

That’ll be $250.00.

(Cash only, and no, I don’t take insurance.)

Some of the search engine terms that are originally entered by visitors to this blog are seriously HILARIOUS.  

For instance:

(I am NOT making these up.  People actually searched for these exact words and ended up on this blog.)

being chased by a sheep  (??????)

teenager mermaid pajamas  (that’s a stretch)

cookies in a purse  (I’m sure I’ve mentioned something like this in some sort of blog….I’m actually not surprised that someone would find my blog by entering this.  It’s totally something I would turn into a metaphor)

empty cereal bowls  (why…..?)

talking bear with glowing heart  (HOW IN THE WORLD did this bring them here?  we may never know.)

awkward synchronized swimming photos

synchronized swimming black women

(there are A LOT of search terms that have something to do with synchronized swimming.  In fact, I think a few of them are in different languages, including French, Spanish and Russian.)

preteen uncles  (???)

cuban fish   (how vague and totally unrelated to my blog)

circus capers cereal  (never heard of it)

we kindly ask no texting during worship      (I’m actually a bit concerned that my blog showed up in this search)

stupid dog wallpaper  (did they find what they were looking for?  I hope not.)

beautiful cuban child  (I wish I knew the context for such a search)

madonna painting poland mine  (I have no idea what this means)

groove me morning breath  (????  Maybe it’s an album title for a new age jazz band)

jesus rose from the dead to eat your brains  (naturally)

AND my personal favorite:

need to clean nicotine off of watercolor painting  (clearly, I am the go-to-gal?)

On the other hand, some of the search terms are really sad, surprisingly serious, tragically honest, and some are a mix of some or all of that.

Others, you just wonder what the person who searched for it was thinking.  Here are some that I picked out:

trapped

confused by jesus

grace to continue in adultery

god jesus angry

burden of murder

crying at jesus’ feet

distress pain betrayal

comforting me in times of i need

can god speak through the tarot

left alone

safe in god’s arms

when you are a martyr, you end up feeling resentful

loneliness

definition of love

jesus sees our hearts

There are SO MANY terms that involve synchronized swimming.  Here they are:

synchronized swimming suits

swim pajamas

synchronized swimming moves

sinkronizirano plivanje

synchronized swimming position

awkward synchronized swimming photos

preteen swimmers

nothing synchronized

synchronized swimming beauty

synchronized swimming lift

synchronized swimming black women

basic synchronise swimming moves

synchronized swimming point your toes

synchronized swimming 2010

synchronized swimming head under water

amber heard in her swimmers

synchronized swimming positions

pictures of synchronized swimming

simple synchronised swimming moves

old synchro swimming usa

synchro swimming judges

synchronized swimming suit

synchronised swimming lift

syncronised swimming

combined spin synchronized swimming

natacio sincronitzada

synchronized learning

naked people swimming on their backs in a swimming pool

synchronized swimming deck work

synchronized swimming diagram

snchro swim costumes

silly synchronized swimming

classic synchronized swimmers

synchronised swimming suit

(if someone had told me at the time that posting one image of a couple synchronized swimmers a year ago was going to put my blog ON THE MAP on a GLOBAL SCALE OF GRAND PROPORTIONS as an intergalactic hub for all things related to synchronized swimming, I’m not sure I would have believed it)

And, now that I think about it, I’ve probably only made it worse by posting the very search engine terms here.  I’m destined for cyber fame in the synchronized swimming realm.

The top 10 search engine terms that lead viewers to this blog are:

10.  jesus mercy (9 referrals)

9.  clover adams (10 referrals)

fyi:  Clover Adams is the artist who made the grief monument, an image i featured in a blog post about loneliness.

8.  man playing guitar (10 referrals)

7.  prodigal son (11 referrals)

6.  monstrance (12 referrals)

5.  synchronized swimming (13 referrals)  

4.  pottery wheel (14 referrals)

3.  lindsey kayleen thompson (16 referrals)

2.  smoldering wick (17 referrals)

AND, by a landslide, #1 is:

1.  amazing metaphors (54 referrals)

I’m proud of that.  

Thank you, cyber world, for accidentally affirming me in my writing style.  

And also, anonymous searchers for truth, I’m glad you clicked on my name when you were looking for grace.  

And as for you synchronized swimming enthusiasts, well, I’m just not sure what to say to you.

Jesus says: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.   And love your neighbor as yourself.

As MySELF?????

What do you MEANNNNNNNNN????!!!!!

What a frustrating commandment.  I need a diagram here.

It wasn't until after I started drawing the arrows that I realized that I was basically trying to draw a diagram of ultimate reality.

I only got as far as the love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength part.  After you draw all those squillions of arrows, there isn’t much room for arrows to and from other people.  Actually, there’s really only room for one other person, at least on my sheet of paper.  I’m sure I could do mathematical calculations and figure out a way to graph all of this, but then I would be doing math and that would be so NERDY!!!!!   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It took me a while to come up with a shape to represent God and the self.  I settled on the triangle after many prototypes of concentric circles, little arms etc…I think the triangle with the circle in the middle where the heart is works pretty well because then each person is a swirling little vortex of love where all the love spins off of the self love exchange vortex and ultimately ends up in the God swirling love vortex, which then gets thrown out again to other people and then back to you and then….there’s no more room for arrows and you have to start marking each line as a two way arrow just to account for the philosophical complexities of the commandment……but let’s not get carried away here!  THAT would be so NERDY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAH

So that’s the commandment, in word form and diagram form.

And here is the commandment in brain form.  I know it seems like it couldn’t get messier, after that whole diagram and explanation combo, but THIS is the complicated part.

This is what we hear, which includes, you know, all the nuances of what he’s REALLY saying.

Geezus (the other one) says:

“Love me with all your heart….rainbows and unicorns and a pot of gold at the end of the blah blahdee blah blah blah….

—What I’m REALLY checking for is whether or not you’re loving someone other than YOU.  For Pete’s sake, love anyone but yourself.  Love me, love your cat, love the smelly lady in line at the post office!  Love anyone but yourself–God–er, I mean Me— knows, you’ve done enough of that by now.  I mean, in the name of ME, you’ve all become such brats.

I’m Geezus.  I’ve done many wonderful things, I have healed people of many diseases.  I have preformed many miracles… All so that I could tell you this:

You are all evil. There is no hope.

That’s it.  Thank you.

So what’s the real problem here?  Is our problem that we love ourselves too much, or that we hate ourselves so much that we become absolutely paralyzed by fear?  Our little love vortex starts grinding gears because it’s got fear all up in there, jamming things up.  We won’t let go of the fear, so no love comes in OR out, making the commandment utterly impossible as well as confusing.

We fear that God is frustrated with us and that we’re on his last nerve.  He’s had it up to here.  We fear that one day, even though we know He will never leave us, given enough time, He will probably become just as hopeless as we are about our capacity to obey, and resign Himself to sarcasm and caricature in all of His communication with us.  I say we, but maybe you don’t.  Maybe it’s just me.  Maybe I’m the only one with Geezus in my head, gumming up my gears with his whiny little voice of fear and self-hatred.

I’m afraid that Geezus will silently take away everything I enjoy, one thing at a time, until I finally try hard enough to stop sinning that I actually stop sinning.  I’m afraid that by the time I do that, (if ever) I’ll be old and bitter and alone, and Geezus will have finally triumphed over me, forcing me to love Himself alone, only thinking about the Bible, because I have nothing else to do, no visitors, no games of checkers.  I’m just inching the rest of my holy life of devotion away, muttering to myself in a nursing home mirror, glassy-eyed and desperately repeating the Our Father night after night.  THEN, and only then, will Geezus be pleased.

Oh Geezus, whatever you do, don’t bless me.  Please don’t bless me.  If you bless me, you will require more of me than I can give and then, even the meager portion I have now will be gone.  Don’t test me with anymore blessings.  I can’t take the disappointment I will feel at that inevitable moment of failure,  when I must pay the piper, rendering the price demanded for my sin: losing not only all that I had, but all that was given to me on top of that.

Oh man.  That is just not good news.

That Geezus guy.  He’s like that dude who treats girls like trash but for some reason they stay with him while there’s this other guy who actually loves them and wishes she would just open her eyes and stop letting that trash trash her.

Jesus is a slow jam R&B singer, romancing the girl with the self-respect issues (that’s you, minus the jaunty hat and tasteless clothing), dancing with the rest of his dance troupe in a pyramid at an impromptu dance-off between Jesus and Geezus, and Jesus is wearing gigantic white pants….wait.  Actually, I think that’s—-Mario.  The actual R&B singer.

But you know what I mean.  They’re similar.  (justgowithit)

Mario  (star-of-the-show-and-romancer-of-souls) = Jesus

The Other Guy  (Trash-talkin’-chump-of-the-century) = Geezus

Shawty (Dime-plus-ninety-nine-wastin’-her-time-wit-trash-talkin’-chump-of-the-century) = You

Dear Geezus,

We need to break up.  I just haven’t felt peace about this relationship for a while and I think it’s time to move on.  I don’t feel called to be with you anymore.  You see, you’re a, well, you’re a—scrub. (also known as a buster)

Anyway, you were just leaving, and I was—-not…leaving…so—-we’re just going in two different directions.  I know this might not make sense right now, but I’m too good for you.  It’s not me, it’s you.  I hope that later you’ll understand that I did the best I could.

(Also, you make me feel terrible all the time and I always feel confused and inadequate around you.  I could never seem to be worth making any promises to, and all you ever did was lie to me and tell me that I wasn’t good enough in a thousand tiny ways.)

See you never,

Kayleen

P.S.  There’s someone else.  I’m gonna go do a sassy dance on a giant metal swing with my girlz now.  Also, later I’m going to put on some blue lipstick and dance around in a metal bodysuit.  Peace.

Did you ever play that game when you were a kid where you locked hands with someone else and bent each other’s hands backwards until one of you cried “Mercy!”

It was like a staring contest, only there was pain involved.  Sometimes it’s called Uncle, or Peanuts. (which doesn’t make much sense to me)

The point is that the game ended when one of the players decided they couldn’t take it anymore.  Hence, “mercy.”

So is that what mercy is?  Is mercy what you ask for when you can’t take it anymore?

It seems like the answer should be…”No, it’s much more complex than that.  You see…”

But actually, I think it is that simple.

God is merciful.

He has every right to wipe me off the face of the earth.  There is nothing I can do about that, except continue to prove that to Him.

If I let myself go there, there comes a point when I can’t take it anymore.  Thinking about how God should really just blow me away, bracing myself for the grand moment of justice, there grows a silence so excruciating, a stillness so unbearable that in its anticipation of punishment, it becomes unlivable.  Knowing that God has a charge against you makes it impossible to continue through life in peace.

And that’s when the game is over.  I give up.  I know He has every right to punish, and so in the space between the sin and the punishment,  I just have to decide that life has become painful enough to finally go to God, saying:

“Listen, I make no promise that I can be better next time.  I know better than that now.  It’s a lie.  In reality, I probably will be worse next time.  I wish I could say that and mean it, but I hate how it feels to lie to you.

I don’t deserve an answer from you.  I could say that I love you and ask for forgiveness, but do I really even mean that?  No.  So this is just the end of the road for me.  I have nowhere to go. Nothing to say.  There is no obedience in me, there is not even a desire to obey in me.  Anything I could say right now would just add to the case against me, proving that I have made myself your enemy.

Well, crap.  Here we are again.

Have mercy.  I know it doesn’t really make sense for me to continue in relationship with you, seeing as how I’ve shown that I don’t really desire to please you, and that I don’t really believe You most of the time, that I don’t really care about your commandments, or listen when you talk, or spend time with you at all.

But I can’t walk away from this without knowing that I did everything I could possibly do to make it right.  I’m hoping that you might just accept me if I beg you to.  I can only beg you to pretend that I’m Jesus.  Everyone seems to think that what He did makes everything right between us, and I’m not saying that I even believe that on most days, but I’m going to go out on a limb.  At this point, there’s not much more I could do to make things worse.  So if Jesus isn’t enough it won’t matter because I already know I’m not enough as it is now.   So what’s the difference if I’m not enough or Jesus isn’t enough.  It seems like Jesus has a better chance than I do, so I nominate Him as my official representative.

Listen, God.  Don’t look at me.  I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t take feeling your eyes on me all the time, knowing that I’ve just hurt you and hurt you and hurt you, knowing that you are seeing my sinfulness and my hard heart.  I can feel your heavy hand on me all day long because things aren’t right between us.  I can’t make them right.  There’s nothing I can say that will make peace between us.

We both know I’m bankrupt.  So, if not for my sake, then for Jesus’ sake.  You punished Him already, so can you have mercy on me?  Don’t take away everything I’ve ever hoped for.  I know you could.  I know you should, but I’m just asking you….Don’t.  Don’t make me pay.  Maybe that really would teach me, maybe if I lost everything good in my life I would be able to desire you like I should, but don’t do that if you don’t have to.  Please.  Have mercy on me.

You could liquidate everything I have and it still wouldn’t be enough and even then, having nothing, I would still not be at peace with you.  Let Jesus be enough.  Accept His payment.  I just don’t have anything to offer.  I can’t take it anymore.  This is the only way for us.  Please tell me our relationship matters enough to you to relinquish your rights to end it.  Mercy, God!  I wish I could say something more, but all I can do is ask you to have mercy on me because of what Jesus did, because there is nothing that I have ever done to show you that I should receive mercy.”

*******************

¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
¹⁶ You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
¹⁷ A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill.”

¹⁸ Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

¹⁹ People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. ²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ²² Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

²³ He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. ²⁴ The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. ²⁵ In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. ²⁶The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

(from Isaiah 30)

[Which basically means: "Yes."]

Mercy Triumphs:

Micah 6:8

I've scoured every scripture I can find even remotely related to my problem and now I feel even MORE confused.

For Christians, the issue of planning one’s life, or finding one’s path in terms of “God’s will for one’s life” is an emotionally charged subject.  You really can’t avoid being vulnerable if you’re going to honestly talk about what the map of your future looks like.  It always seems like a hostage situation, God holding the power to bless or curse your plans, making demands to be made director of your life, us calculating how much we must risk in order to honor His demands to direct.

We plan, He directs, We plan, He directs.  What’s the difference?  Sometimes it seems like God is just this tyrant demanding exclusive veto power on our lives.  Us silly humans can plan all we want, but once the memo gets to the top, you’re at the mercies of the Great Director, who may or may not like your proposal, depending on how great his cup of coffee was that morning.

Who Disturbs My SLUMBER!!!!!

In reality, God is probably more like Commander Bill Adama of Battlestar Galactica.

I would follow this man anywhere. I mean, look at that stance.

Other times, it seems like no matter what plan I come up with, I just end up getting embarrassed in the end because God likes to look down from his perch, watching me construct my latest and most genius scheme, waiting for the most comedic moment to foil it.

GENIUS!

On the other hand, no matter how hair-brained the plan, Wile E. Coyote never actually dies, no matter how disastrous the outcome.

Definition of PLAN

What are we going to do tonight, Brain?.......The same thing we do every night, Pinky............TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLDDDDD!!!!!!!

Definition of DIRECT

Definition of DIRECTOR

: one who directs: as

a : the head of an organized group or administrative unit (as a bureau or school)

b : one of a group of persons entrusted with the overalldirection of a corporate enterprise

c : a person who supervises the production of a show (as for stage or screen) usually with responsibility for action, lighting, music, and rehearsals

d : conductor

A director is a steward of the vision for a completed film.

Especially for young people, this is a very sensitive subject.  It is for me.  I’m often wary of how honestly I will disclose those desires governing my master plan to the people in my life whose words have the most power.  Those desires that I most ardently defend are the desires that influence my plans the most.  I am wary of exposing them for fear that they will betray some fundamentally misplaced priority in my heart and mind to the discerning eye of those people in my life to whom I have given special permission to not only see my plans, but to help me make them.

It makes me uneasy when I find myself in situations where my plans for achieving what I believe has the potential to satisfy my heart are before the discerning eyes of people whose judgement I may not be able to contend with.  These people are special because they have the ability to strongly affect my conscience in terms of my plans, and if they have reservations or suspicions about how legitimate my plans may be, I know that I may not have the ability to continue to be confident in my right to make those plans unless I have their blessing.   That’s why I’m usually pretty careful about how much I let people in on, because I’m threatened.

One way to defend against this threat to my master plan is to keep the plan hidden.  Sometimes, I must conceal my plan from even myself in order to ensure that it will not be perceived by others and be subject to their judgement, thereby threatening the likelihood that my plan may succeed. Unfortunately, if I do that, the fact that I have concealed my plan from even myself pretty much guarantees that it will never succeed.

My point is this:  The desires of one’s heart are very precious things, and these things are often revealed in the plans we make for our lives.  We are sensitive about our plans.  They are closely linked to our sense of earthy identity and purpose.  Sometimes, we are easily offended when our plans are not approved.  When we share our plans, we share our heart, and to those with whom we disclose our plans, we must give power.  Most of the time, we get to be particular about who these people are, but if we are going to be submitted to our God, He requires that we make HIM the main player among those to whom we give this special privilege.  We are not obligated to include anyone in our plans, but if we want to be happy, we don’t have much of a choice.  We have to include Him.

I don’t know about you, but that’s really threatening to me.  It makes me mad.  God is so stubborn.

The question is this:

If I choose to share my plans with God, is He just going to derail them?

Will He take away my hope and unravel all that I have woven?  If I let Him in on my plan, will he give it His blessing, or will He frustrate my path?

Just because my plans reveal a misplaced priority, does that mean that God will have to completely trash them?

Which is worse?  First, to go through the pain of grieving the loss of my expectations for life and then seeing  how God is ultimately disposed to do me good?

OR

Continuing in a state of tentative surrender, clinging to the faltering hope that if I can carefully manage my sinfulness in all of my dealings, then my plan will remain unspoiled and the delicate contract I have with God will obligate Him not to meddle in my business?

Unfortunately, if I choose the latter, I am only following a phantom path that leads nowhere.  I wander aimlessly in a wilderness, perpetually following the thirsty roads of the human mind, enduring a dangerous journey with no destination.

He frustrates the path of the wicked....

I will find no rest, no promise, no satisfaction, no vindication.  Refusing to surrender my ways, I will chase the winds to the ends of the earth until I surrender my path to the Lord.

Unfortunately, this map does not show any path at all.

I know this.  I understand these things.  I can plainly see what the Lord is asking of me.  Do I like it?  No.  Do i resent God?  Yes.  Does that somehow make me exempt  from still having to surrender my plans?  Nope.

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????????????

Why does God insist on doing this to me?

Because He’s good and it is the only option that will actually make me happy anyway.

CURSES!

The Prince of Peace....makes all things new.

new/n(y)o͞o/

One of the things I am trying out as a new writing exercise is creating a combination of paraphrased sketches of scripture from different translations of the Bible.  Doing this challenges my vocabulary and helps me find starting points for new subject areas to explore.  It also shows me where the gaps are in my heart-and-mind-image-of-God.  AND it gets me genuinely interested and engaged in language while I investigate scripture and rarely does it lead to a dead end.   Some of what I find to write about is particularly moving, so I’m going to share some of it.

First, I will be citing just the broad section of scripture I drew from to build the paraphrase I have written, since I’m not really quoting scripture and some of the phrasing I use isn’t found in the passage at all. That might make it difficult to figure out just where exactly in the Bible it’s coming from.  Sometimes I skip over entire sections, making a collage of several related phrases from one chapter that I chose to meditate on, building a sketch that connects these parts and takes on my own rhythm and style, embedding my personal response to God’s words within the scripture itself.

Revelation 21

A New Heaven and a New Earth

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth.  The first heaven and the first earth had passed away and there was no more sea.  And then I saw the holy city, the New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her groom.  And then I heard someone shouting from the sky saying,

“Finally, the tabernacle of God is with man.  He will dwell with them.  They will be His people.  God Himself will be with them, and He will be their God.

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death, no more sorrow, no more crying. There will be no more pain, for all of those things have passed away.”
Then the one sitting on the throne said, “Look at this.  I am creating the world again, making everything new.”

Then He looked at me, and he said, “Write.”

“Write because these are the words that words were made for.”

And then he paused.  Looking out, His familiar face now soft in the glow of a new creation, His eyes had a new openness I had never seen in them before.  I knew that when He announced to us that there would be no more pain, He meant no more pain for Him too, no more grief as He watched us suffer.  It was over for Him too.

And then He said, gently roaring, whispering shouts,

“It’s over.”

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End.  I am the sunrise and the sunset.  I am your first word and your last breath.  I am all that there is.  I am all that there ever was, and I am all that there will ever be.  I will freely give of the fountain of the water of life to him who thirsts.  And whoever overcomes, joining me in my suffering, will reemerge from their very ashes, and they with inherit everything they ever sacrificed, just like I have inherited the very life that I once sacrificed for them.  I will be their God and they will be my children.  We will be joined, never again to be separated for all of eternity.”

Isaiah 43

I am the  River in your Wasteland

This is what God says:
Forget about what’s happened;
Don’t keep inspecting your footprints for clues.

Stop reviewing your history, as if each day were some test that you needed to study for.

Just forget about living well!  Your life is not about you, it’s about me.
Pay attention.  Stop being such a detective!

This is not a mystery, it’s a romance.

I have always tried to make my plans really obvious for you,

Meanwhile, you’re drafting the ultimate map.

If you would look up from your map for just one hot second, you would notice the awesomeness.

Focus! I’m about to do something new.
It’s already happening! Don’t you see it?
Here it is!

I am making a road through your desert,
I am making a river in your wasteland.

You don’t have to wander anymore.”